When communication creates barriers

Those of you who know me, know that I love communication. I love influencing people, listening, being influenced, provoke and being provoked. I have developed a nice toolbox of methods, techniques and strategies to get my own message across, and to analyse the messages that I recieve. I try to look for the full content - not only the words, or my own pre-judices. 

Some times I encounter people and situations where it seems all they want is to create misunderstandings and problems. It may happen like this: You talk to someone, trying to explain your point of view. The people you talk to seems to deliberately listen only for critisism, not for your full message. Instead of listening to your proposed solutions, they enter into a defense mode, forcing them to only look for words and information that they can use against you.

This behavior is particularly evident in circumstances involving a high degree of emotions. You see it in change management scenarios, where one (or both) party is doing all it can to avoid the proposed change. It also becomes evident in negotiations going wrong. And it becomes evident in projects running late, and the project manager lacks (or forgets) his role as diplomat. 

I have witnessed a party of two people - who happen to work together in a company that is in need of a change of direction, and who are also family. The roles are Father and CEO, as well as majority share holder, and the Daughter, member of the board, minority share holder. The past ten years, this particular company has spend much time developing a great product, in a market in huge demand. Unfortunately, as is often the case with engineering companies, they lack the required business development skills to create a great success. 

The Daughter has tried to get accept for some minor, and some major, changes to the way the company is ran. Her proposal includes changes to the organization, as well as professionalising the management by involving parts of her network, people whom she know and trust. 

The Father declines most of these changes, except a few of the minor changes, those that will not mean much without the major changes. He has his own ideas of how to build this company, and don´t seem too found of other ideas. It is easy for him to find faults in the ideas that does not fit his own comfort zone, and instead of challenging himself, he attacks the ideas and the person behind them. 

This way of communication creates many challenges, and tragedies. For one, the Father has tried for ten years, without much success. Perhaps it is time to accept that there are different ways? Even though I strongly believe that persistency is a key success factor to any entrepreneur, failing to adapt to reality is just wrong. Failing to listen to younger people (in this scenario), with a different view of the world and business is equally wrong. And choosing to deny changes that are painful, and required, just because they do not align 100% with his own ideas, well that show a disturbing lack of agility and humbleness. Two other key factors to any successful entrepreneur today. 

But the worst mistake the Father is doing in this particular case, is failing to see how his actions are removing any and all motivation to develop this company. Not seeing how he is pushing his other partners into negativity, where they no longer feel the need nor responsibility to help develop the company. Instead, he blame his Daughter for being illoyal. While the truth is that he is unable to accept that his actions forces her to resign. Against her own will. 

From my view, the interesting thing in this conversation consists of two parts:

they both want to create a great success. This becomes evident when looking at their engagement and ideas, how they invest their time, and how they constantly try to come up with better ways to create success. Still, lack of understanding, and most importantly, lack of humbleness in listening to each others ideas and suggestions, creates a dividing gap.

they both seem to question the others abilities and interest in the company, thus reducing their trust in each other. Misintrepreting the other persons ideas as critisism instead of valuable suggestions, helps drive them apart. 

First of all, they need to get off their high horses and start listening to each other. This both means learning to listen, but also learning to communicate in a way that increases the likelyhood of the other persons understanding. 

Secondly, they need to trust each other. They need to understand that allthough they disagree with some of the strategies and tactics, they have the same goal. They share the same interest, and they want the same success. 

Thirdly, they would do good to understand that there are several routes to Rome, even for this company. One way may be shorter, faster or better suited (or look that way just now), but that does not make that route the only possible one, nor the only viable one. Open up to alternatives, and dare look down those alternatives. Dare to run the scenarios, and see what may happen. Both of you.

Fourth - remember that you are family first. Business should never replace that. 

Lastly, keep in mind that words can come out very strong, especially when in an emotional state. Consider both what YOU say, and also what the other party is saying. Try to walk a mile in the other persons shoe´s before you judge their actions.

What else can they do? What are your experiences? What tips can we give to people in similar situations?